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I know relationships and "love" is extremely useless right now in my life. I mean...I'm not that old to handle a relationship and I don't think I'm that mature for it either. But for over the past little while, my mind's been drifting towards someone so much that it makes my stomach turn and knot and turn again...I can't even look at her. That's right. HER. I've been finding myself falling faster and faster towards girls. last night, I slept over to my friend, Rinette's house (We just call her Rina) and she's obsessed with guys. Not even in that funny way. in that sort of way that makes me sick. Her room is full of Pete Wentz pictures and she even has his nude pictures saved on her computer. Me, Tana and Amanda were over there and they all wanted to go on the internet and look up "hot boys" on youtube. I mean, I'm immature to an extent. But last night, I realized that I'm more mature than I thought. Every guy I saw on youtube that was claimed as a "hottie" looked utterly disgusting to me. And the guys that looked appealing, I thought they would look so much better if they were making out with another guy.
Ugh, the whole night my friends (They're preppy) kept making "emo" jokes. I mean, I don't care much about them, they're just lame ass jokes that people use to put other people down. It's the same as Blonde jokes, gangster jokes, Paris Hilton jokes. But I know myself that I have the style, the hair, the attitude, maybe? And it just gets to me how they could just talk and laugh about it right in front of my face. It sort of makes me feel a little alone, I guess.
Anyway, remember that girl I was talking about? Well, she's been a pretty close friend for a long time and I thought that maybe, maybe, she'd feel the same way towards me. I don't why I thought that, I guess I was in a stupid frame of mind. I called her up and told her how I felt and she hung up on me. So I pretty much felt like a complete gross stalker or something. I didn't want to call her back and she only called me back tonight. She said it scared her and that she doesn't know if she should be friends with me anymore. So...my mood totally flipped and I got a little mad. I mean, shouldn't friend trust each other no matter what happens? Shouldn't they love each other forever and help each other through anything? So I told her that if she's "scared" of me now that I told her how I felt and that I actually trusted her enough to tell her, then I don't need a friend like her anyway. I know it was mean and I feel terrible for it. But I thought she'd always be there for me no matter what and now I know that my friends are nothing more than just strangers that see me as nothing.
Sorry to completely rant and take up everyones time. And I'm not typing all this crap just to get comments. If you'd like to comment, it'd be nice to just talk to someone. But if you don't, that's fine too. I absolutely hate comment whores that talk about all the shit in their lives just to get a few comments. Hopefully I'm not like that. I try not to be. ^^'
As for Bullet for my Romance, I had all of chapter 2 and chapter 3 started and finished. Then, I checked today to post it all and I found out that I saved it in the wrong folder and my mom deleted it from the computer. I feel terrible and stupid and I hope that you'll forgive me. As soon as I'm feeling better and up to it, I'll write it all again. Sorry again, Sam, I feel really bad.
Oh, Jessica, here's a picture of me since you wanted it. :) Have a nice birthday, okay? Turning 11 is a biggie.
Does anything matter if you're already dead?
21 May 2007 @ 08:45 pm
depressed6 comments | Leave a comment
07 May 2007 @ 06:49 pm
[[Hey Guys.
I was cleaning out my folders and found this story that I wrote a long time ago.
I read it, thought a few people here that likes this kind of stiff would enjoy it,
so here it is.
:]
Mikey's Diary.]]
Monday
There’s a new kid in school. He was put in my class today and he seems pretty cool. His hair is A.M.A.Z.I.N.G! It’s so huge and to make this short…it’s a fro. He seems really nice but…I didn’t talk to him yet. I guess I’m a little scared. I mean, he’s hanging out with a lot of the band people so I’m not sure if he plays an instrument. It would be so cool if he did! We could jam out because I’d play my bass and he’d play…whatever he plays. Gosh, I hope he talks to me tomorrow. I’ll keep my fingers crossed.
Mikey
P.S: I think his name is Ray, but I’m not sure.
Tuesday
Dear Diary…
Nothing today. He didn’t even LOOK at me. It’s sort of making me mad. I mean, he just sits down every morning and does the homework he didn’t do when he was home. He doesn’t really talk to anyone and the only time I heard him speak was when he asked Miss if the Library was right or left of the gym. Maybe tomorrow I’ll try to talk to him again. But that’s what I said yesterday. Gerard keeps teasing me. I told him once-ONCE-that I thought Ray was pretty cool and now he won’t stop puckering out his lips at me. He says, “Mmm, oh, Ray…” and then I usually hit him so hard that he stops. I just REALLY hope that he doesn’t start doing that tomorrow at school. Or else…I’M GOING TO DIE.
Mikey
Wednesday
Dear Diary…
I walked into school today and my confidence rose SO MUCH. I saw Ray at his locker and I was going to say Hi, I really was…but then some of his friends came up and I chickened out. I literally dove way from him and started to open my locker but then I realized that it wasn’t even my locker and I felt so STUPID. The whole day I kept biting my pen, trying to figure out how I’m going to say Hi to Ray but then it exploded in my mouth and I nearly threw up. Ewww… Today is officially the WORST day in my life. Maybe I’ll talk to him tomorrow?…Doubt it.
Mikey
Thursday
Dear Diary…
I’m DYING! Tomorrow’s Friday and then it’s the weekend and I STILL didn’t talk to Ray yet! But I was SO close today! We were in science, doing a lab experiment when I saw that Ray had trouble putting his safety glasses over his huge hair. So I was about to go over and help him when a girl, Jessica, went over first. She was giggling and saying how cute he was…Ugh, it made me SICK to my stomach. She helped him and he thanked her and I barfed (not really). How come I want to talk to him so badly anyway? I think it’s because I always want things I can’t get…And because I wanted to talk to Ray but didn’t for a long time, I want it more than anything. Weird, huh? Great…Gerard’s making fun of me again.
Mikey
Friday
OH MY GOD!
I can’t believe it! It was like…MAGIC! I talked to him today and it seemed like time stopped or slowed or something and then before I knew it, I said “Hi” to him and guess what? He said “hey”! He sounded so cool when he said it! The whole day I was laughing at his jokes and when he saw me at my locker, he’d smile and I’d show him my biggest smile. But when you think about it…it’s sort of sad. Because tomorrow is Saturday and then the next day in Sunday and I won’t be able to talk to him at all until Monday.
Mikey
Monday
Yeesss!
I talked to him again and he even invited me over to his house for supper! I’m so, so, so, so, so, so excited! Oh my god, I have to get ready! What if I forget to put on deodorant? What if I brush my teeth too much and I smell like a dentist? What if I don’t brush them enough? What if I put too much gel in my hair and what if I straighten it too much so that I look like that ugly girl, Jessica? Panic ATTACK!
Mikey
Monday Night
Dear Diary
Tonight was awesome…more awesome than I expected. After supper with his parents, we went up to his room because he wanted to show me his guitar. It was REALLY nice and I told him I played bass. He’s a really good guitar player. It sort of made me jealous because I’ve been practicing my bass for a long time now but he just totally blew me away. He’s really talented. Before I left, he grabbed my arm and pulled me into a hug that lasted too long to be friendly. And then…I wasn’t expecting it and he kissed me.
But I forgot to kiss back.
03 May 2007 @ 06:56 pm
Chapter One
Was it really a funeral or another excuse to get away from their children? Was it to spill their tears or to press their toes into the sand of a huge, popular beach? Gerard sat motionless on his bed, thinking about the possibilities why their parents wanted to leave so badly to catch a funeral. Running his hand through his blowzy, deep black hair, he balanced the reasons for his parent’s departure neatly inside his head. It wasn’t like Aunt Maria was even that close to the family, either. She was that sort of creepy aunt…the aunt who you knew definitely wasn’t part of your family. The type that could fit “crazy cat lady” perfectly. She had 4, in fact. And every one was named after her favorite men in the world. Martin Luther King Jr., Walt Disney, Mozart and Edgar Allen Poe. She never sent birthday or Christmas cards and Gerard never once recalled his parents talking to her over the phone, bringing her up at the dinner table or even telling stories about when she was younger. Gerard pressed his lips tightly together, thinking ponderously why his own mother and father would even want to pack up, fly to Florida and attend a funeral when they didn’t even have a proper burial for Tyson, Gerard’s six year old snake.
Gerard hopped off his bed which created an oh-so-familiar-but-annoying squeak and strolled towards his parent’s room. Opening the door slowly, he poked his natural pale head inside and laid eyes upon his mother while she hummed “Holiday” by Green Day, packing her clothes neatly inside her suitcase.
“I need to know-” Gerard stated suddenly, pushing open the door quickly and making it swing to hit the wall with a loud crash, “-Why are you so excited to cry over some dead lady anyway?”
His mother turned around to face him quickly, caught off guard by her sudden company. She smiled sweetly and rested one hand on her hip, “Your aunt died from a car crash. You could pay her more respect, you know.” She then skip-walked towards her closet, picking more clothes off hangers to pack. “Anyway, you’ll love baby-sitter I hired.”
Gerard grunted silently and folded his arms across his chest. With a fixed glare plastered upon his face, he prepared himself to protest.
But before a single word could escape the young 14-year-old boy, his mother zipped up her suitcase and planted a kiss on the top of his head, “Everything will be just fine.”
Gerard Way, child protester, thought differently.
That night Mikey, Gerard’s younger brother by three years, crept quietly into his brother’s room and shut the door silently behind him. He flicked his sandy-blonde hair away from his eyes with two of his fingers and paced towards Gerard who was laying wide awake, tucked under the sheets of his bed.
“Are you awake?” Mikey asked, his whisper sounding more like a strain. He crept closer and soon flung himself onto the bed, diving under the covers with Gerard.
“What’s your problem!?” Gerard’s harshly whispered back, heart skipping a beat from the sudden movement of his younger brother.
“There was a noise…over there” Mikey poked his small head up from under the covers and pointed to the corner of the room where Gerard kept his 11th month snake, Tyson Jr.
Gerard rolled his eyes and turned to face his brother, “Why are you in here anyway? If mom and dad realize it’s this late and you’re still not asleep-”
“-It’s summer vacation! Anyway, they’re leaving tomorrow.” Mikey pointed out defiantly, folding his arms and giving his brother a diminutive glare.
Gerard rolled his eyes once again, and turned back around to quickly check the time. 1:28 p.m. He knew he’d be tired the next day. And he knew that he’d also be meeting someone new. The baby-sitter. Gerard told himself that he was not a baby. He was mature for his age and was in no need of a baby-sitter. Rolling back over to face his brother once again, his brain seemed to jerk and he observed that he, Gerard Way, had the most brilliant idea of all time.
“Mikey!” He nearly shouted and Mikey froze with fear from the sudden exclamation.
“What..?”
“We’re not going to let this baby-sitter mom hired boss us around like she owns the place.” Gerard’s idea was more of a stated rule and he said it like a true rebel.
“We’re not? But she’s going to-”
“Ssh.” Gerard hushed, “Listen. We’re going to be so bad that she’s going to leave the first day.” Smiling, he nodded. “Then we’ll have the rest of the week to ourselves. No parents. No one.”
Mikey’s grin was as big as his brothers and they both agreed that the so called “baby-sitter” would be wishing she never toke up the job.
“Is it a plan?” Gerard adjured, complacent with how things were going.
“It’s a plan.”
Mrs. Way stood in front of the door while Mr. Way held three suitcases, his arms trembling from the weight.
“I want you both to have a wonderful time,” Mrs. Way directed, giving them multiple kisses each on the top of their heads, “but be respectful.”
“We will.” Gerard assured her, a fake smile dangled in front of his sealed lips, “Promise.”
Mikey nodded while trying hard not to giggle.
The doorbell rang shortly after and Mrs. Way opened the door quickly, giving the two boys a “There’s the baby-sitter” look. Gerard bite his bottom lip hoping, praying that it wouldn’t be a blonde cheerleader. He didn’t know if he’d be able to pull off his “Brilliant” plan if it was.
What stood in the doorway, to Gerard’s dismay, was the farthest from a blonde cheerleader. In fact, the person was a male. A tall, thin male with hair straighter than Gerard had ever seen that was cut just up from his shoulders. It had a blue tint to it, and a small section of hair was dyed blonde. He held a suitcase in one hand, a map in the other and he looked at Mrs. Way with a cocked eyebrow.
“This is the place, right?” He asked, his voice a little rusty like he hadn’t slept in days.
Gerard found himself studying him more and more. The way he blinked, the way his chest rose and fell again with every breath he toke. Wiping his clammy hands on his jeans he peered towards his brother who was looking staring straight at the new male Baby-sitter. His jaw was dropped practically half way down to his knees and Gerard couldn’t tell if it was because of awe or disgust.
“This, boys, is Matthew Tuck. He’ll be your baby-sitter for the week while mommy and daddy are gone.” Mrs. Way smiled sweetly and kissed her children on the head again.
They said their good-byes and Gerard and Mikey watched their parents leave from the window. The car pulled out of the driveway, the horn beeped twice and then they were gone out of sight.
Gerard glanced back at Matthew who was humming lightly and taking off his black leather jacket and hanging it up. Gerard smiled to himself.
He couldn’t help but feel glad that his baby-sitter wasn’t a blonde cheerleader. This way, driving him crazy would be so much easier.
Author's Note:
So sorry for making this so short. I was going to put more in it
but I thought it could end off well there.
I sort of wanted to put it out on here quicker too so...
here it is.
Did you like it?
Want more?
Don't want any at all?
Just tell me and ideas would be lovely as well.
:]
Thanks.
excited01 May 2007 @ 10:18 pm
Like all my other stores, I ALWAYS post on my journal page.
I don't exactly know why but I find it so much easier than joining
a community I'll never have any time for just to get criticism from a bunch
of fuckers who couldn't do any better.
Sorry, but that's my opinion on most communities (with the exception of a few like
My Chemical Slash and a few The Used ones)
They're really popular one day and the next, no one gets on them because
they joined another one that had more people in it.
Ugh.
But anyway, we'll move on.
So, my new story will be posted soon, Chapter by chapter.
It's the one that I've been talking about before my account was deleted A LONG time ago.
With every chapter, just do whatever you do in those community things.
Post a comment, tell me what you think and I'll post more.
Alright. Oh, the pairing is Matthew Tuck of Bullet for my Valentine.
And Gerard Way of My Chemical Romance.
Uhm, okay...So Gerard is 14 and Mikey's 11 and their parent's are going
for a one week stay in Florida for their Aunts Funeral.
Because of money, they decided to leave Gerard and Mikey home with a baby-sitter
who is introduced as everyone's beloved Matthew Tuck.
:]
And...you can see what happens from there on.
Just remember to keep checking back because I'll post new chapters randomly
throughout different weeks.
Oh, and each chapter WILL take a while for me to write.
My schedule for each day is hell and I'm finding it harder each time to find some spare
time to settle down and write.
But...you know, just be patient.
Thankyou for all my readers who comment on a lot of my other stories.
:]
It means a lot and hopefully you'll like this 25 year old coming on to a 14 year old even more.
*Zips mouth*
That's all I'm saying.
lethargic